once my scissors had told me about her fantastic (and stupid) self-help book which articulated aptly that it isn’t possible people love or give altruistically; there is always an underlying motivation to love or give because there is something to gain from it, however small the return is. conscious or not, it’s somehow always about themselves. you know, something along those lines
i hate Self-Help Books. Self-Help Books are stupid and a waste of money. there is only that many times you can read a Self-Help Book over and there is only one such interpretation you can distill from it. the Self-Help Book is self-righteous, pompous and irritating. Reality however, insists that i am too stubborn and even more self-righteous to have never ever given the Self-Help Book a chance. so right away when my scissors said that i instinctively went into a vehement tirade against the mindless and defenseless self-help book – “that’s not true what your stupid book says blahblahblah”
in truth, i’ve stowed it away in a dusty little drawer at the back of my mind. sometimes to look at it with derision, sometimes… just to look at it. of course i stand by what i’ve said, not merely because i’m too proud to admit that i’m wrong (then again i’m never wrong…), but i think more so because admitting it would make life even less bearable than how it already is
isn’t it funny and sick at the same time how people – you and i – are driven to do things in a most altruistic manner but in reality it works almost always only to assuage their own culpability? it’s like naturalising and ‘instinctivising’ the Good, only deep down underneath it’s all self-motivated, all self-centered. giving always traces its roots back to the Self, what it wants and what it needs. but nobody sees it. sick, in every sense of the word, but all too true, and therefore all the more sick
it’s a lovely, lovely afternoon, and the sky looks bright and comfortable – the Beirut kind
today i feel better, but also guilty, all at once
i have also come to the conclusion that this needs to pass. self-induced/pointless (literally)/unnecessary wandering needs to stop, because it builds up a resistance i can’t seem to control, which will probably lead down a chain of events i don’t think i’m up for, and so i need to get over myself. stop firing at the shadows
in other news, fuck you Modernism (less so, though) and (most of all) Postmodernism, choices and decisions. i want to go away too
7 November 2011 at 4:07pm
Honey, you need to meditate. The reason why your emotions are all over the place is because you are not focusing on yourself. You need to focus on yourself and not let how you feel be pegged onto anyone, then maybe you can find a sense of calmness from within.
Focusing on yourself might seem “counter-altruistic” to you but really, it is when you find your own happiness, that maybe the people around you will find theirs too. Join me in my inward journey.